


Maybe We're Not Meant to Be

by Marvinetta



Series: Maybe We're Not Meant to Be [1]
Category: The Losers, The Losers (2010)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-31
Updated: 2010-07-31
Packaged: 2017-10-10 21:12:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/104329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marvinetta/pseuds/Marvinetta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/thelosers_fans/4550.html">Losers_Fans Prompt Party</a>. "Sometimes Jensen is quiet, Cougar doesn't like it". Lyrics belong to Theory of  Deadman, "Maybe We're Not Meant to Be"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Like Trying to Turn Around on a One Way Street

Jensen watched Cougar over the top of his laptop. The sniper had his back to Jensen as he cleaned his guns. Jensen had been scanning news articles for anything that might be useful, but he kept getting distracted by the muscles moving under the thin teeshirt Cougar was wearing. It was old, threadbare, a little too small, and had stains all over the front. Cougar only wore it when he cleaned guns.

He shouldn't be noticing crap like that though. He sighed and focused back on the computer. Focusing on Cougar's habits was a bad habit Jensen really didn't need, but he'd found himself being distracted more frequently. On the surface things were perfectly normal. Cougar showed absolutely no outward signs things had changed between them. It annoyed Jensen.

Jensen had to work to hide his emotions. He had to struggle to keep his mind on his own tasks. It was difficult acting like they hadn't gone from friends to fuck buddies. It was even more difficult acting like it didn't hurt that's all it was.

He wasn't entirely sure how things had ended up where they were. But he knew when it had started. Cougar had woken up one night in a cold sweat and with a strangled sound that Jensen wouldn't know how to describe if anyone asked. Jensen had sat on the bed and wrapped an arm around his friend, and hadn't expected Cougar to lean into him. When his breathing had returned to normal, and the shaking stopped, Cougar had rested a hand on Jensen's thigh. Squeezing gently he mumbled a thanks, and then pulled away and laid down. Jensen had wordlessly gone back to his own bed. It was a routine they fell into, neither ever mentioning it.

After Bolivia, the nightmares had gotten worse. One night, Cougar had slipped into Jensen's bed instead of his own. Even though Cougar kept his back to Jensen, every inch of the sniper was pressed against his side. Jensen had trouble going back to sleep that night. In the morning Cougar had gotten up without saying anything. It started a new routine, and for the first time in a very long time, Cougar went an entire week without nightmares. Jensen found he slept better, too.

One morning, Jensen had woken up with Cougar pressed against his back. He wasn't sure why he'd opened his mouth on that particular morning, they'd been ignoring each other's morning erections for weeks. But for some reason, he mumbled "that a gun in your pants or are you happy to see me?" Cougar had laughed, and responded that Jensen find out for himself.

Jensen had rolled over to get a better look at Cougar's face. He couldn't decipher the look that was there, so Jensen had decided to be brave and reached down Cougar's boxers. Jensen had quickly discovered that while Cougar didn't talk much, he made lots of noise in bed. Jensen had also been shocked that despite the controlled violence that always seemed to be simmering under the surface, Cougar could be slow and gentle when it came to sex.

Nothing was ever said. Once one of them climbed out of bed, Cougar went back to acting like nothing was out of the ordinary. There were no stolen kisses, no lingering touches, no whispered words. Sometimes he wondered if it was all in his head. Other times, like now, he was angry that it meant nothing.

Snapping the laptop closed, Jensen gathered it and left the room. He couldn't stand being in the same room anymore. He couldn't stand being ignored. He couldn't stand being used.

"Fucking asshole," Jensen threw the laptop down on the bed and sank down after it. He was so lost in thought it didn't register at first that the door had shut. He looked up and found Cougar leaning back against it, a strange look on his face.

"Who is?"

"You are," Jensen pulled off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Go away."

Instead of going away, Cougar sat on the other bed. Silence filled the room, eventually getting so heavy Jensen had trouble breathing.

"I don't like it when you're quiet," Cougar said, his voice had a hint of worry in it. Jensen didn't know if it was actually there, or if he was just trying to convince himself it was.

"I don't like being a fuck toy," Jensen shoved his glassed back on his face and stood up. "You're sleeping in your own bed tonight."

Jensen left the room at a normal pace, and managed to not slam the door. It was a small victory, but it made him happy. He didn't hear Cougar following him, which wasn't surprising, but it stung all the same. After he grabbed a beer, he sat on the back deck and watched Pooch work on one of the cars.

Halfway through his beer he heard the bedroom door close. He struggled to keep his focus on Pooch, even when he heard the footsteps stop behind his chair. After a few painfully slow minutes, the footsteps retreated back into the house. Jensen could hear the sounds as Cougar went back to cleaning his guns.

Jensen couldn't avoid Cougar the rest of the day, but he at least managed to avoid talking to him. Luckily everyone else was so wrapped up in their own issues that no one seemed to notice his unusual silence. Pooch had argued with Clay that he should be able to see Jolene more. Clay had argued Jolene might be under surveillance. Aisha had agreed with Clay, and Pooch turned on her. Jensen took that opportunity to retreat to his room.

He'd laid in bed, facing away from Cougar's bed, staring at the wall. Part of him hoped Cougar would ignore what Jensen had said, and climb in behind him like normal. Part of him hoped the sniper would leave him alone. Both options made him clench his teeth.

Cougar slipped into the darkened room a long time later. He silently undressed, and stood in between the beds for a short time. Each second made Jensen's heart pound until finally he heard Cougar climb into his own bed. The room felt colder without Cougar's body heat, and the sounds from the clock on the wall were louder than normal.

Jensen didn't know when he'd managed to finally fall asleep. The sounds of labored breathing woke him up, and he turned to see Cougar in the grips of another nightmare. It physically hurt to roll back over, and try to ignore it. His resolve crumbled when he heard his name in a harsh whisper.

He stood up and reached out to wake Cougar right as the man came upright in bed. The haunted look in Cougar's face broke the rest of Jensen's defenses, and he climbed in next to the sniper. When Cougar's breathing slowed, Jensen rolled over to leave. The hand on his arm startled him and forced him to look back.

"Don't," Cougar's voice was strained, and his face was tight. "Please."

The please nearly did him in, but he pulled his hand away and forced himself back into his own bed. His chest felt like it was going to explode and his eyes burned. He held perfectly still, tried to will the feelings to the back of his mind. He tried to choke back the first sob, but it still carried across the quiet room. It made him hurt more to know Cougar either had more self control, or cared less, when he remained alone in his bed until he finally managed to fall asleep again.


	2. I Can't Give You Want You Want, And It's Killing Me

Cougar laid in bed, and stared at the ceiling. He was confused, and more than a little angry. He'd never dealt with Jensen in a foul mood. He'd never thought for a moment he could be the cause.

_'Go away.'_

Cougar clenched one hand in the sheets and tried to block out the sounds of Jensen in the next bed. It took all of his will power not to get up and go over, even though Jensen had made it clear he wasn't wanted. It had hurt when he'd had to climb into his own bed for the first time in months. It had stung when he'd woken up from the nightmare and Jensen hadn't been next to him. He didn't want to give a name to the feeling when he'd swallowed his pride and asked Jensen to stay, only to have the younger man turn away.

_'I don't like being a fuck toy.'_

How Jensen had come to that conclusion was what made him the most angry. Cougar slept next to him every night. What they did couldn't be reduced to fucking. He'd never let another man inside him. He'd never met anyone he trusted enough until Jensen. He'd never let anyone hold him after a nightmare like he was a child.

If Jensen had yelled, or ranted, Cougar could have accepted that reaction. He could have figured out what exactly Jensen thought he'd done wrong. He could deal with anger. Jensen's silence, however, he couldn't deal with. He'd rather Jensen have punched him than climb out of bed and walk away.

Cougar couldn't relax until he heard Jensen's breathing shift to the slow, even, rhythm of sleep. He debated climbing in next to Jensen anyway. Jensen had a habit of clinging in his sleep. At first it had bothered Cougar that he could barely move at night because he was tangled in Jensen's limbs. Eventually, he got used to it, and at some point it was something he looked forward to.

He'd gotten used to lying in bed after they'd woken up. Most mornings Jensen would ramble about things he had planned for the day, or dreams he'd had. Cougar enjoyed the feeling of normalcy: the false sense that he was in a home, with someone who loved him, that he wasn't a fugitive most of the world thought dead. Some mornings they'd have slow, sleepy sex before starting the day. Every morning Cougar wondered if that would be the day Clay or Pooch came bursting in unannounced, exposing the entire thing. Some mornings Cougar hoped it would happen, just so he didn't have to hide it anymore.

Cougar turned over and stared at Jensen's back in the low light. Maybe that's what bothered Jensen. Maybe he was too focused on hiding it from the others that he wasn't putting enough effort into showing Jensen he was happy. Cougar wondered how that could happen though, since Jensen could read him better than anyone on the team. Jensen joked he could tell the difference between Cougar's silences, but it wasn't a joke to Cougar. It was eerie how the hacker always seemed to know just what Cougar was feeling.

The problem was that Cougar had no idea how to fix it. He'd never been comfortable talking. He'd spent so much time in his own head that it was difficult to make his brain connect to his mouth. He didn't have any relationships in his childhood he could look to for good examples. The few attempts he'd made at relationships of his own had been disastrous.

Whatever was between him and Jensen worked. Cougar liked how things were. But as he thought about it, he could see how it would make Jensen miserable. Jensen thrived on contact. He was touchy feeling with everyone who would let him. Cougar had noticed times when Jensen would stand next to him, and even though the blonde tried to hide it, Cougar could see the effort it took Jensen to keep his hands to himself. Plus, Jensen hated secrets. Hiding this from the others was bound to take its toll.

Cougar dragged a hand across his face and realized he wouldn't be able to sleep again. If he stayed in the room much longer, he wouldn't be able to resist climbing in bed with Jensen. Moving as quietly as possible, he gathered some clothes and started to leave. He paused at the door, and debated looking back at Jensen to make sure he was still asleep. Cougar wondered if everything would be fine if he just crawled in next to Jensen, and was there when the blonde woke up, tangled up as usual. But the thought that Jensen might ask him to leave made Cougar's chest hurt.

He stared at his hand on the doorknob. He knew he was supposed to turn, pull it open, and walk through the opening, but his body wouldn't take the order. He finally dropped his hand and turned to look back at Jensen. He hadn't been asleep long, since all the covers were still on the bed. Jensen was curled almost into the fetal position on the far side, and Cougar hated himself a little bit more.

A part of him knew he couldn't just stand at the door for the rest of the night. He had to make a decision eventually. Closing his eyes, Cougar sent up a quick prayer that he would make the right one.


	3. You Could Be Building This Up Instead of Tearing It Down

Jensen woke up confused. His eyes hurt, his chest hurt, and his head hurt. He knew he hadn't imagined all the crap from the night before. The confusing part was the warm body he was clinging to; there wasn't supposed to be one. He distinctly remembered climbing into his own bed, and remembered very clearly falling asleep alone. Twice.

Fingers moved across the thigh he had draped over a familiar leg. That meant the owner of said warm body was already awake, and Jensen really didn't want to deal with that. He just wanted to lie there, and pretend nothing was wrong. He wasn't coherent enough to try and figure out why Cougar was there and what it meant.

So he just lay there, trying to give illusion that he was still asleep. The hand kept moving on his thigh slowly as it traced the scars that were there. Jensen stifled a sigh, he couldn't help but wonder if he'd seriously fucked up the way he'd handled things. The fact that Cougar was next to him just dredged up more questions than it answered.

"I know you're awake," Cougar's voice was low but neutral. Jensen just nodded, and refused to open his eyes. Several more minutes passed before the silence started to feel like it was strangling him.

"Cougs, I'm sorry about last night," Jensen finally opened his eyes, but didn't look directly at the sniper. The fingers stilled momentarily on his leg before starting back up. Jensen took that as at least an acknowledgement, and closed his eyes again. The silence dragged on until finally Cougar started to untangle himself and wandered into the bathroom. Jensen rolled onto his stomach, preparing to go back to sleep, assuming Cougar would get dressed and leave like every other morning. However, Jensen's eyes popped open when he felt the other man climb back under the sheets.

"I'm sorry, too," Cougar's voice was still low and neutral, but Jensen could see how difficult the words were. He scooted closer to the sniper, and draped an arm over the man's chest. They lay like that for a while - Jensen staring at Cougar, Cougar staring at the ceiling.

"I don't like hiding it," Jensen finally sighed. "That's not to say I'm going to grope you constantly and hump your leg for everyone to see-"

"Yes, you would," Cougar laughed and Jensen frowned at him.

"I'm serious. If you set up boundaries outside of this room, I'll respect them," Jensen reached for his glasses, but Cougar pushed them out of reach before linking his fingers through Jensen's and resting them on his chest again.

"I don't know what they'd be," Cougar admitted quietly, all traces of the laughter suddenly gone.

"I guess we can just see how it goes. If I do something and you hit me, we'll add it to the 'don't do that in public list'. That work?" When Cougar finally nodded, Jensen smiled and started to pull away. "We should probably get up and tell the others. They probably know already, but whatever. Plus I'm really hungry… Dude, let go."

Jensen tried to extract his fingers, but soon found that Cougar either had glue on his hand or was part octopus. When Cougar let out a small laugh, Jensen gave up and lay back down with a huff. Jensen felt like a jerk as Cougar started tracing various scars with his fingertips again. It was little things like that that should have clued him in that Cougar cared. It didn't happen often, and it only happened in the mornings, but Cougar could be playful. One day when he got brave enough, Jensen figured he'd ask why that was.

"Next time you get angry, just hit me. I don't like it when you're quiet," Cougar's eyes had lost all the playfulness again and Jensen swallowed hard. The pain he saw there made him feel even worse, but he managed a nod. The next few minutes of silence didn't bother Jensen. Once he was certain things were back to normal, he smiled into Cougar's neck.

"Can I pinch your butt when you walk past?"

"No."


End file.
